Manchester United under the new manager Erik ten Hag began the season as a legitimate contender for the Champions League or, at the very least, the Europa League. They are currently at the bottom of the table. Rival fans joked that their opponents had gotten so awful that it was no longer entertaining to watch them get humiliated. But we care so we have aggregated the funniest Man United Jokes on the Internet for Premier League season 2022-23.
It’s only two weeks, but falling behind early on may be difficult to overcome, especially in Manchester, where the news cycle will undoubtedly spin drama and the wrong kinds of speculations ranging from Ronaldo leaving the club to Elon Musk buying the club from the Glazers.
Best Manchester United Jokes
Why did Manchester United go to Brentford?
What happens if Manchester United fails to score vs Liverpool?
They’ll have to choose an own goal as “Goal of the Month of August.”
What do Prince Andrew, Manchester United, & The Black Eyed Peas all have in common?
It all went to shit when Fergie left.
What’s the difference between Manchester United and a dog walker?
The dog walker can hold a lead.
What do you call a gay guy who supports Manchester United?
A Man fan!
What’s the difference between a sperm and a Mann United fan?
A sperm has a 1 in a million chance of being a human being.
What are the odds of Manchester United winning the Premier League 2022-23?
Ask the aliens when they get here.
How poor are the Reds in the first half?
They all had a free school meal delivered in the interval.
Manchester United Funeral Programmes this season:
23 Aug: Man Utd vs Liverpool
4 Sep: Man Utd vs Arsenal
2 Oct: Man Utd vs Man City
20 Oct: Man Utd vs Tottenham
23 Oct: Chelsea vs Man Utd
Burial arrangements will be announced in due course. Thank you.
What is the difference between a fat chick and a Manchester United strikers?
Even a fat chick scores every once in a while.
What does a Manchester United supporter do after his team wins the UCL?
He turns off the PS5.
Have you heard that Manchester Utd club lacks a website?
They can’t make three “Ws” in a row.
What will be the most successful block Maguire has made all season?
The one after he blocked an abusive troll on Twitter.
A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says ‘This man is asthmatic please do not take his breath.’ So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then pulls out another card which read ‘This man is anaemic, please do not take his blood.’
Finally, the police, getting pissed off asks him to take a urine test, the man pulled out his Manchester United season ticket which read ‘This man is a Manchester United fan, please do not take the piss.’
What sums up United’s summer signings?
That they have spent more on John Murtough’s plane tickets than midfielders this summer.
What happens if Manchester United keep going down at this rate?
Soon, they will discover oil.
Why should you be careful if you are driving past Old Trafford this week?
A lot of people have been picking up three points there recently.
Why would a Manchester United lamp make a nice Christmas present by December?
They look great in the middle of the table.
A football fan was just arrested by cops who were looking into match-fixing.
They served search warrants on his home and office, confiscated his computer, laptop, and mobile phone, and froze his bank account.
All he did was go to his local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.
What’s the difference between Manchester United fans and mosquitoes?
Mosquitoes are only annoying in the summer.
A custody fight was raging over a young boy.
The judge says to him, “Do you want to stay with your Father?” The boy replies, “No, he beats me.” So the judge asks, “Do you want to stay with your mother?” Again the boy says, “No, she beats me as well.” So the judge asks, “So who do you want to stay with then?”
The boy replies, “Manchester United, they don’t beat anyone.”
Recommended: Saturday Jokes
How do you know it’s hard to win at Old Trafford?
Even Man United can’t.
What is the difference between O J Simpson and Manchester United?
OJ Simpson had some sort of defence.
What is the difference between Manchester United and a teabag?
A tea bag stays in the cup longer.
What is the difference between Manchester United and a triangle?
A triangle has three points.
Why are Manchester United strikers like grizzly bears?
Every fall they go into hibernation.
A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway.
Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt. “This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends,” says the City fan. “I agree,” replies the United fan. The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving. “Look,” he says to the united fan, “This must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival.” He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
“Aren’t you having any?” asks the United fan. “No,” replied the City fan, “I think I’ll wait till the Police get here.”
How is Manchester United club similar to a 3-pin plug?
They’re both useless in Europe.
What’s the difference between a hedgehog and a Manchester United team bus?
The Manchester United bus has more pricks.
What’s the difference between David de Gea and a taxi driver?
A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
What’s the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Manchester United tickets?
People would pass up a pair of Man United tickets.
Who does David de Gea think was the most dangerous striker he had ever faced?
Are you a fan of a rival team in the English league? Then what are you waiting for? Share these funny Manchester Utd jokes and memes with your friends and family.