Hear us out – Buying toilet paper is awkward. Say what? You don’t particularly are convinced? Alright. Of course, buying 52 rolls of gigantic packs and getting out of the supermarket with everybody knowing that you have an important meeting with the toilet is not that bad. What could get worse? Well, it could be if you are buying a mini pack with just two rolls on top of each other. If you do that, then you are sending a message to the person behind the counter that you are halfway through a shit.
A woman at a checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so one guy paid 96 cents. “Thank you,” she said. “I’m going to think of you every time I use this paper.” There is no dearth of hilarious toilet paper jokes that can tickle a bone or two. So we have aggregated the funniest ones for you in the list below.
Best Toilet Paper Jokes
What has an IQ of 40 and 200 yards long?
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
How is life a lot like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or you’re taking shit from some asshole.
How is John Wayne similar to cheap toilet paper?
They’re both rough, and tough, and don’t take shit from anybody.
Why are you never going to use cheap toilet paper again?
Since you got in touch with your inner self today.
What did the guy say who bought a toilet brush yesterday?
“He’d still prefer toilet paper.”
What is four inches long & two inches wide that drives women insane?
An empty toilet paper roll.
What did the woman say once she started using old newspapers after running out of toilet paper?
“The Times are rough.”
What is the easiest trick you can use to calculate your IQ?
It’s 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
Why was it revealed when people bought toilet paper at the start of COVID-19?
It goes to show in the midst of a worldwide pandemic, the average person only cares about his own ass.
How is toilet paper similar to the Starship Enterprise?
It circles Uranus looking for Klingons.
Who took all of the toilet paper at the store?
Why were we running out of toilet paper during Covid-19?
Because when one person sneezes 100 people shit themselves.
What is wrong with the scientists’ claim it’s impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times?
They have obviously never seen one wiping its ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.
What is the difference between toilet paper and shower curtain?
No? So it was you.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
A man playing on a new golf course became perplexed as to which hole he was on. He noticed a lady playing ahead of him and approached her, asking if she knew what hole he was on. “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole,” she replied.
He thanked her and returned to his golf game.
The same thing happened on the back nine, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
“I’m on the 14th, you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th,” she explained.
He thanked her once more.
He finished his round, entered the clubhouse, and noticed the lady at the far end of the bar.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your assistance.”
He struck up a conversation with her and inquired as to the nature of her work.
She stated that she worked in sales, and he stated that he worked in sales as well.
He inquired as to what she sold.
“If I told you, you’d laugh,” she replied.
“No, I wouldn’t,” he replied.
“I sell tampons,” she explained.
He burst out laughing and collapsed on the floor.
“See, I knew you’d laugh,” she said.
“That’s not why I’m laughing!” he exclaimed. “I sell toilet paper, so I’m still one hole behind you!”
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It’s finger licking good.
Do you know how much an alcoholic spends on toilet paper every month?
A butt load.
Recommended: Butt Jokes
What do you call it if you had to start using lettuce leaves when you ran out of toilet paper?
It was the tip of the iceberg.
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when you asked him where the toilet paper was?
He said, “Aisle B, back.”
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You won’t find 4-layer toilet paper at Mcdonald’s.
What do you want to say to the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper?
Nothing, just wanna shake his hand.
In a quiet rural pub, a beautiful woman reached a bar. She made an alluring gesture to the bartender, who approached her right away.
The woman seductively instructed him to bring his face closer to hers. She gently stroked his full beard as he came close.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, stroking his face softly with both hands. “No, actually,” he said. “Could you go get him for me? I need to talk to him.” She ran her hands past his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” the bartender admitted. “Is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes. I need you to send him a message “She went on, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly slipping a couple of her fingers into his mouth to gently suck them.
“What should I tell him?” stammered the flustered bartender.
“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies’ room.
Why was Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily?
Due to the Coronavirus, the shortage of toilet paper made this inevitable.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To reach the bottom.
An elderly couple is out for a walk when a pigeon flies by and drops a poopy little gift on the woman’s head. “Yuck!” exclaims the woman. “Go grab some toilet paper.”
“What for?” asks the man.
“He’s got to be a half-mile away by now.”
Who cares if toilet paper is soft or not?
Only an asshole can tell the difference anyway.
Do you know how to cook toilet paper?
No, but one does know how to brown it on one side.
A woman visits her doctor and she asks him, “Doc, I’ve always wanted bigger boobs but am terrified of surgery. Is there no other choice?”
“Well, I think I might have something that can help you out, dear,” the doctor says after a brief pause to observe her from head to toe.
“Wonderful doc, what is it?” The woman responds.
“So, you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs for about a minute every morning.”
The woman is taken aback and wonders how that could possibly work.
“I honestly don’t know,” the doctor admits, “but it seemed to work for your ass!”
What’s unimpressive about Sudoku toilet paper?
You can’t complete it because you can only fill it with 1s and 2s.
What do toilet paper and the Avatar have in common?
They disappear when the world needs them most.
Why do say about drug cartels that have been turned to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits?
I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.
What do you say to an Aussie that ran out of toilet paper?
How is cardboard similar to a 1-ply toilet paper?
It’s not really good at absorbing, but it’s really good at moving shit around.
In a sauna, a German, a Japanese, and a Russian were naked. There was a sudden beeping sound. The beep was silenced when the German pressed his finger into his forearm. The others looked at him with suspicion. “That was my embedded smartwatch,” he explained. “Germany has the world’s smartest engineers, and I’ve had one of their devices implanted under the skin of my forearm.”
A phone call came in a few minutes later. The Japanese man put his hand to his ear. When he was done, he explained, “That was my cellphone. Japan has the world’s smartest engineers, and I’ve had one of their mobile systems placed in my hands.”
The Russian was feeling decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided to do something equally impressive. He went to the restroom and came back a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. Others raised their brows and looked at him. “Well, well, well, comrades- it appears that someone is receiving a fax!” said the Russian finally.
Did you hear about the guy who mixed up sandpaper and toilet paper?
His woodworking looked like shit.
Why do some find toilet paper jokes stinking?
Because they are shitty jokes.
How does a blind man know if he is done wiping his ass?
It starts to taste like toilet paper.
Recommended: Blind People Jokes
How is dark humor similar to toilet paper?
Not everyone gets it.
Why can’t you use the Daily Mail as toilet paper?
Because it’s already covered in shit.
A deer had a bar. When he discovered a broken toilet window one day, he asked the customers, “Who broke the window!?”
“I kinda did…” said a hare.
“What do you mean by “kinda”?” inquired the deer.
“Well, I was taking a dump, and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but when he saw I wasn’t toilet paper, he threw me right out the window,” the hare explains.
The bear was fined $500 by the deer.
When the window was broken again a few days later, the deer asked, “Who broke the window?”
“I kinda did…” said a squirrel.
“What do you mean by “kinda”?” inquired the deer.
“Well, I was taking a dump, and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn’t toilet paper and threw me right out the window,” the squirrel explained.
The bear was fined $1000 by the deer.
A few days later, the entire toilet was smashed – the fixtures were smashed, the toilet was broken and bloodied, the window was broken, the door was scratched, and so on. So the deer inquired, “Who did all of this!?”
“I kinda did,” the hedgehog replied.
Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings?
For all the party poopers.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
How would you describe one ply toilet paper?
A blonde and brunette were in their nearby Walmart when they decided to enter the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets for a dollar each. When the raffle was drawn the following week, each had won a prize. The brunette was awarded first place, as well as a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. The blonde received the sixth prize, a toilet brush.
The women crossed at Wal-Mart after about a week. The blonde inquired about the brunette’s reaction to her prize, to which the brunette replied, “Great, I love spaghetti!”
“So, how about you? How is the toilet brush doing?” “Not so good,” the blonde replied. “I believe I’ll return to paper.”
Where does toilet paper come from?
What’s a mathematician’s favorite type of toilet paper?
How did the humans go extinct?
They will use so much toilet paper that they will wipe themselves out.
What did the toilet paper say when it won at roulette?
“I’m on a Roll.”
One morning, a six-year-old daughter was watching her dad shave.
“Daddy, why do you shave?” she inquired.
“Because mommy prefers smooth skin,” father explained.
“Does it hurt?” she inquired.
“No, not at all,” father replied. “Unless I cut myself, by mistake.”
“Do you then apply a band-aid?” she inquired.
“No, I just put a piece of toilet paper on any cuts,” father explained.
“How come they don’t just fall off?”
“No, sweetheart,” father said. “They stay in place when I put my underwear back on.”
What do you call a Spanish man who ran out of Toilet Paper?
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
When does Helen Keller know to stop wiping?
Once the toilet paper stops tasting funny.
Recommended: Helen Keller Jokes
In Japan, more paper is used to print manga than toilet paper.
In India, more streets are used to shit than for transportation.
A man reaches a supermarket and immediately goes to the cashier, where he places two cans of dog food on the counter.
“Do you have a dog, sir?” inquires the cashier. “Yes, it’s at home,” the man responds. “I need to see the dog before I can sell you dog food, sir. That is the store’s policy,” says the cashier.
The man returns the next day and places two cans of cat food on the counter. “Do you have a cat, sir?” asks the cashier again. “Yes, I do; it’s at home,” the man responds. “I apologise, sir. The store’s policy. Before I can sell you cat food, I need to see the cat,” the cashier responds.
The man returns to the store the next day and walks right up to the same cashier. He is holding a brown paper bag. “Put your hand in here,” he says to the cashier.
The cashier reaches into the brown paper bag. “Everything is soft and warm,” he says.
“That’s right,” the man says, “I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper.”
What’s considered more dangerous than running with a live bomb?
Licking the toilet papers in the mall.
Why is knowing where to cut corners important?
Make the toilet paper too thin, and you’ll get a lot of complaints. Make poor-quality scuba sets and you’ll get few complaints.
What can you say about people who are hoarding toilet paper?
They’re just trying to keep their shit together.
Gary was furious at a supermarket when he saw a man with a cart full of hand sanitizer, soap, wipes, and toilet paper.
He called him a selfish jerk and told him about the elderly, mothers, and people who really needed those things.
He said to Gary, “Are you done, man? Cause I really need to get back to stocking the shelves…”
What’s the difference between my girlfriend and toilet paper?
The toilet paper can deal with my shit.
What did the toilet paper say to the Instragammer?
A grandfather was telling the grandson about his days hunting tigers.
He began, “I was alone in the jungle one time when a huge tiger leapt out of the bushes right in front of me and yelled RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! You won’t believe it, I shat myself.”
The kid raised his eyebrows, “You bet I believe it; if that happened to me, I’d have shat myself as well.”
“That’s not what I mean, go get me some toilet paper.”
What are the lightbulbs at the toilet paper factory called?
A drunk man stumbles into a Catholic church and makes his way to the confessional box. He walks in, sits down, and says nothing.
The confused priest waits a few moments, giving the drunken man time to collect his thoughts.
Five minutes have passed. The priest, growing impatient, coughs to attract his attention, but the man says nothing.
In a final desperate attempt to get the man to speak, the priest clenches his fist and thumps on the wall three times.
Finally, the drunk responds, “No point knockin’ mate, no toilet paper in this one either.”
Why do Buddhists always buy 1 ply toilet paper?
Because they like to get in touch with their inner self.
Dammit, these jokes about toilet paper are too hilarious? Let us know your thoughts in the comment box below.