Are you a bottle of ketchup? Because I’d like to flip you over, hit it from the back, and make you squirt. If these pick-up lines are working for you then you should keep your game with our ketchup jokes. It’s time to fire up the grill, pull out your favorite grilling recipes, and make sure you’ve got the right condiments. However, if you’re like most people, you already have plenty of ketchup on hand.
Best Ketchup Jokes
Did you hear about the wife who asked her husband to put ketchup on the shopping list?
Now he can’t read any of it.
What does a Ketchup say when he has to use a bathroom?
Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!
Remember the guy who regretted rubbing ketchup in his eyes?
But that’s Heinz sight.
Have you heard the tomato joke? No?
Well, then you need to ketchup.
Yo mama’s so stupid, she cried onto a ketchup packet because it said: “Tear here.”
Remember when you dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on your foot?
It caused severe pain To-ma-toes.
What would Walter White be called if he dealt with ketchup instead of meth?
What do french fries do when they meet after a long time?
Did you hear about the ketchup thief?
He was caught red-handed.
A tomato, tap, and a hat were having a race.
The tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn’t ketchup.
What do you give Scooby-Doo when he has a fever?
Ketchup, because that’s what you put on a hot dog.
Why did the ketchup blush?
He saw the salad dressing.
You know that sound when the ketchup bottle falls against the cabin you just closed?
That’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What is the question most frequently asked by a philosopher?
“Would you like ketchup with your chips?”
What if tomatoes are a fruit?
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
A vacuum salesman knocked on the door of a newly built house.
The door was opened by a lady. The salesman stormed in and threw rotten scrambled eggs, fries, and hot dogs on the carpet floor. Before the lady could respond, the salesman stated, “Mam, the vacuum I have is the best in the business; I’ll vacuum everything and ensure there is no odor; if I fail, I’ll eat everything on the floor.”
The lady then said, “Would you like some ketchup? Because the house doesn’t have electricity yet.”
A lot of people ask me, “Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?”
So I tell them it’s because Heinz sight is 20/20.
What do you call a person who eats chocolate with ketchup?
An idiot. You call them an idiot.
A Papa tomato, a Mama tomato, and a Baby tomato are all walking down the street.
The Baby tomato starts to trail behind. The Papa Tomato turns around and walks over to the Baby tomato, SMASHES him, and says “Ketchup!”
Ketchup my slow tomatoes!
Why did the green tomato lose the race
It couldn’t ketchup.
Have I ever told you about the time a cop thought I was bleeding because I had tomato sauce on my shirt?
I guess you could say that the ketchup was a sauce of confusion.
What would you call the Queen if she had ketchup all over her face?
Your Royal Heinz.
A three-year-old boy is using the restroom. His mother believes he has been in there for too long and goes in to investigate. The youngster is reading a book while sitting on the toilet. But every 15 seconds or so, he drops the book, grips the toilet seat with his left hand, and hits himself on the top of the head with his right.
His mother asks, “Billy, how are you doing? You’ve been in here for quite some time.”
Billy replies, “Mommy, I’m fine. I just haven’t used the restroom yet.”
“Okay, Billy, you can stay here for a few more minutes, but why are you hitting yourself on the head?” Mother says.
Billy says, “It works for ketchup.”
What is a procrastinator’s favorite condiment?
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
How are humans similar to ketchup on a steak?
People look at you funny when you eat them.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
A young man was checking out at the supermarket when he noticed the person in front of him only put one item on the conveyor belt.
It was a condom box. He not only noticed him staring, but he also made highly awkward eye contact.
So to lighten the mood the young man put his ketchup bottle on the belt and said, “Looks like we’ve both bought something to put on our sausages.”
How is your girlfriend similar to a bottle of ketchup?
You always have to slap her on the bottom to get her to come.
Did you hear about the race between the cabbage, the tomato, the gravy, and the egg?
At first, the cabbage was a head, but then the tomato found it could easily ketchup. The gravy kept running, and the egg got beaten.
Why don’t programmers like ketchup bottles with lids?
Because they prefer everything open sauce.
Yo mama’s so fat her blood type is ketchup.
Recommended: Yo Mama So Fat Jokes
Remember the guy who pushes his girlfriend on her stomach during her period?
He’ll say, “Who’s my little ketchup packet?”
What do you call a funnel-shaped storm made of ketchup?
How is getting girls to have sex with you similar to getting ketchup out of a bottle?
Easy when you have a knife.
How are people similar to potatoes?
We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.
Two men with black eyes are sitting at a bar
“How did you get your black eye?” one asks the other.
“I need a ticket from Boston to Pittsburgh,” the other man says, and the cashier selling the tickets has large, firm breasts. When I ordered my ticket, I tried not to think about them, but when she asked what I wanted, I said, ‘one picket to Tittsburgh, please.’ She punched me in the face.”
“That’s amusing. In a similar manner, I received my black eye.”
“Well, I was at dinner with my wife when I meant to ask her ‘honey, please pass the ketchup.’ But instead, I accidentally said ‘bitch you ruined my life.’”
Remember the guy who once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company?
In Heinz-sight that was a mistake.
What’s sneezing on your period like?
Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.
What’s the world’s fastest fruit?
A tomato, nothing else can ketchup.
What do you call a bottle of ketchup waiting to get it’s beard shaved?
A barber-queue sauce.
What three words started Jeffery Dahmer’s cannibalism?
“This isn’t ketchup.”
Recommended: Cannibal Puns
What is worse than eating an apple and to find a worm inside it?
Eating an apple with ketchup and to find a worm inside it.
What do Ramen and Ketchup taste like together?
Did you hear about the bottle of ketchup that got into a car crash and never woke up?
He was tomatose.
If employees at a ketchup company had stingers, where would they be?
On their bee heinz.
Why did the Mcdonald’s worker cut himself?
Because there was no ketchup.
That’s all there is to it, folks. Go forth and tell all of your friends and family ketchup jokes. Serve these ketchup puns alongside one of your favorite grilled burgers this year at your next backyard barbecue or holiday cookout.
Have a better joke? Share with us your own puns and one-liners.