Shopping jokes are the only thing better than shopping. The aroma of new perfumes, the feel of luxurious fabric, the enticing sights, the sound of clamoring during a sale, and that wonderful aftertaste when you see your closet – aah. Retail therapy has a name for a reason, and more than one scientific study has proven its effectiveness. Isn’t that reason enough to go shopping?
It can relieve stress and make you feel better when you’re anxious or annoyed due to a bad day at work, a breakup with a boyfriend, or PMSing. If you agree with what we said and are a shopping addict, check out these jokes that will make you laugh out loud.
Best Shopping Jokes
Where do ghosts go shopping?
They go to a Bootique.
Did you hear about the sith lord who went shopping?
He went to the Maul. Everything was half off.
Posh lady, bye I have to go and shop I need more hats.
Where do evil wizards do their shopping?
Yo mama so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
Why does the chicken shop at the dollar store?
Because everything is a buck, buck, buccccck.
Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?
They just can’t get enough of the self-checkout.
What do you call a guy who loves shopping?
A buy sexual.
What do you call people that steal from music shops?
A mother and her three-year-old son went shopping.
He had a chocolate bar in his pocket when they arrived home. She didn’t buy it, and he didn’t either, so she marched him back to the shopping center and went to the jewellers.
Do you know why everyone keeps asking Johnny why he buried his mom in such a terribly ugly outfit?
They were shopping a few years ago and she said that was the last thing she’d ever want to wear.
Did you see an ad in a shop window that said, “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”?
“I can’t turn that down.”
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on WalMart, she lowered the prices.
Wife: So how are we doing with Toilet Paper?
Husband: I’ve been practicing for 30 years, I think I got a good technique going.
Where do toy stores keep their Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?
Aisle B, back.
Where would backstabbers buy their groceries?
They would shop at Traitor-Joes.
Instagram and Chrome are going shopping.
Instagram: Aren’t you going to buy anything?
Chrome: Nah, I’m a browser.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center……!
You’ve seen the mall.
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Why don’t Orcs like to shop online?
They prefer to support local brick and Mordor.
Police Station: You confessed to breaking into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?
Thief: A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.
Where do the Sith go to do their shopping?
The Darth Mall.
Atiku to the candy shop.
What are you called if you are shopping at an Apple store when it’s robbed?
Yo mama so strong, she shot arrested for shoplifting.
Remember the wife who wondered how the pancakes got into their shopping trolly?
The husband said maybe they crêped in there.
Daughter: I don’t know why, but I really love stationery shopping.
Father: Me too, so much less walking around.
A man with one hand walks into a thrift shop
He confronts the cashier and asks if he can schedule an appointment.
“Sir, this is a thrift shop,” the cashier says.
He looks at her, puzzled, for a moment before realizing his error.
“Oh, my apologies, I was told this was a second hand shop.”
Why doesn’t Garth Brooks shop at Home Depot?
Because he has friends in Lowe’s places.
Did you hear about the fight at the fish and chip shop?
Five fish got battered and a bunch of chips were a-salted.
Where do horses go shopping?
What’s so great about shopping for a stove?
They have a range of options.
Yo mama so drunk, she walks into every liquor store and says “I’m home”.
Why do Storm Troopers shop at Wal Mart?
Because they couldn’t find the Target.
Did you hear about the man who went shopping in two different stores for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove his sunglasses?
He must’ve looked shady.
What do you call a statue in the star wars shop?
Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping.
She tells him, “I need butter, sugar, and cooking oil. Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”
The husband returns with the butter, sugar, and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.
The wife asks, “Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”
To which the husband replies, “They had eggs.”
Why did the shopping cart quit its job?
It was tired of getting pushed around.
Why don’t cats like online shopping?
They puuurrrrrrfer a cat-alogue.
Where should a dog never go shopping?
The flea market.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to the pawn shop because she was losing a game of chess.
A woman walks by a clothes shop and spots a nice red dress in the window.
She goes inside and says, “Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.”
The employee replies, “Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.”
What’s a chess player’s favorite store?
A pawn shop.
Why was the lady who went shopping for a mousetrap so hesitant to make a decision?
She just wants to avoid making a snap decision.
Remember the man who went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store?
Clothes, but no cigar.
A man walks into a glass store.
An employee says, “Would you like to buy anything?”
The man replied, “No thanks, I’m just window shopping.”
How do you destroy a shopping center?
You de-mall-ish it.
Where do lawyers eat when they go shopping?
The food court.
Did you hear about an ancient keyboard they found in a charity shop?
It appeared to be rich in antiqwerty.
Yo mama so poor, she chases a garbage truck with a shopping list.
What do you call an evil florist’s shop?
Their vase of operations.
Why did the mechanic go clothes shopping?
He needed attire.
A guy went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
“You’ve given me one too many.”
“That one is a freebie.”
Where does Spider-Man do his Christmas shopping?
On the web.
Where do monkeys do their online shopping?
What do you call it when you joke about other peoples’ shopping lists?
The wife and husband were shopping for vacation clothes when they came across a display of bathing suits.
She hadn’t bought a bathing suit in at least ten years and twenty pounds, so she sought his advice and asked him what he thought. She asked if she should get an all in one or a bikini.
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
Where does Senator Josh Hawley do his shopping?
At the flee market.
Why did Bill Gates go bankrupt?
Everyone was window shopping.
Why shouldn’t you bring your laptop to a shopping center?
Probably a lot of mall-wear.
A man goes grocery shopping and purchases one cucumber, three carrots, and a jar of Nutella.
He walks over to the register. “Oh,” the cashier says as he examines his purchases. You must be single, right?”
“Yes, actually I am. How’d you know?” replied the guy.
“Because you’re fucking ugly.”
Yo mama so fat, when she skipped lunch, the shop got bankrupt.
Where do shoes shop for furniture?
Where do cattle go shopping in bulk?
Have you heard about the shopping center that uses strobe lights in place of fluorescents?
It’s called Petit Mall.
For the first time in 20 years, John and Mary decided to go shopping together in the city. When they arrived in the downtown area with all of the stores, John suggested, “How about we go our separate ways for a while, and I’ll call you in a while.”
Mary had been window shopping for a couple of hours when her phone rang. “Where have you gone?” she inquired.
“Do you remember when we first came here 20 years ago?” John asked. “You saw that lovely diamond bracelet in a store window. But our children were young, income was limited, and we couldn’t afford it. And I promised to come back one day and buy it (or something similar) just for you?”
“Of course, I remember,” Mary replied.
“Do you remember which jewelry store it was?” John inquired.
Mary was starting to get excited. “Oh yes!”
“Well,” said John, “I’m in the pub next door, but I’ve run out of money. Can you come around and buy me another beer?”
Why do retailers sell things in 6-packs?
Because women do the shopping.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
How are Restaurants and Online Shopping alike?
You have to give your order to the server.
A woman walks into a shop and informs the clerk that she is looking for a new bag.
“Right this way—we’ve got a great selection,” the clerk says.
The woman selects a bag, and the clerk takes it to the counter and inspects it before saying “Great selection…and a steal at £50. It’s also very spacious; you’ll be able to fit almost anything in here.”
“Why this wallet fits,” the clerk says as he slips a wallet into the bag. “As does this travel umbrella,” he adds, slipping another small umbrella into the bag. “Even this camera fits!” he says, slipping one into the bag. The woman, clearly impressed, pulls out her credit card to pay.
“That’ll be £60,” the clerk says.
Surprised, the woman questions, “I thought you said it was £50.”
“Yes, the bag is £50, and I’ll even throw the wallet and umbrella in for free, but the camera adds ten pounds.”
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
What do you call an elephant dancing in a china shop?
There was a board outside the clothes shop that said “Huge shoe sale ends tomorrow!”
So the husband bought a pair for his wife because she has huge feet.
A guy walks into a store to buy Glass pants.
“There is no which thing – as glass pants!” says the Salesman.
“Yes, there is!” says the shopper. I have a pair, which I will show you tomorrow!!”
The following day, the same customer enters the store wearing glass pants.
“Wow!” says the salesman. You know, I thought you were crazy yesterday, but now I see your nuts!”
Where does Superman do his shopping?
At the supermarket.
Why can’t orphans shop online?
They can’t find the home page.
A man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray.
The man asks, “Is this good for wasps?”
The cashier says, “No sir, it kills them.”
Is there a politically correct way to shop for a CD player?
One doesn’t want to judge based on stereo types.
Why was the man stopped when leaving the wig shop?
He forgot Toupee.
Why did the adult shop owner sell a double-sided dildo at a discounted price?
He was trying to make ends meet.
In Ancient Rome, a husband and wife went shopping.
The husband took a L toga and showed it to her wife.
The wife said, “I’m big, but I’m not that big! Get me a smaller size.
So the husband returned the L toga and grabbed the XL one.
The wife replied, “That’s better.”
Where do dads store all their shopping jokes?
In the dad-a-base
What did the cow order at the coffee shop?
A woman was in town shopping.
She started her day by finding the perfect shoes in the first store and a lovely dress on sale in the second. Everything had just been reduced by half in the third when her phone rang.
It was a female doctor calling to tell her that her husband had been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit. The woman urged the doctor to notify her husband of her location and that she would be there as soon as possible.
She dashed to the hospital, feeling guilty. She happened to see the doctor in the corridor and inquired about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and yelled at her, “You did complete your shopping trip, didn’t you? I hope you’re pleased with yourself! Your husband has been in the Intensive Care Unit for the past four hours while you were out having fun in town! It’s a good thing you went ahead and finished because this will most likely be your last shopping trip! He will require 24-hour care for the rest of his life. And he’s now your career!”
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought”.
Where can you leave your dog when you shop?
The barking lot.
A man and his wife are out shopping.
“Put that back on the shelf!” she says as the husband places a case of beer in the cart.
The man returns the beer can back to the shelf. So they keep shopping, and the wife places face cream in the cart, prompting him to ask, “What the hell do you need that for?”
“It makes me look pretty!” says the wife.
“So does the beer, and it’s on sale for half price!” says the husband.
Why was the shopping center’s father ashamed?
He didn’t raise his daughter to be a strip-mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa.”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Jack Daniels and women with big tits.
Do you have a funny joke about shopping? Let us know your own funny puns and one-liners to help others have a great experience while buying things!